Family Ties

I've read the word "estranged" in gossip magazines, tabloids and pretentious novels.  It was usually referring to a relationship with a loved one that was terminating, but not completely severed.  Celebrities who become angry with parents who exploit them or persons whose spouses have cheated are often involved in these estranged relationships. I never understood it, though.  I could not personally fathom how someone could actually stop having contact with a family member.  It isn't that I am naive or that my family members are perfect.  It's just that I have always thought that family ties, particularly those with parents, children or siblings, were indestructible.

However, I now have an estranged relationship of my own.  My sister, with whom I have a long history of rivalry, has decided to cut ties with the rest of the siblings.  In some ways, this was inevitable, and does not come as a big surprise.  In other ways, I am dumbfounded by it.  You don't realize how much you might think about a person day to day until you are suddenly "banned" from thinking of that person.

The difficulty with estrangement for me is that it is such a stage of limbo.  It is somewhat like relationship purgatory in which one is stuck.  You cannot draw total closure, because the person still exists and some ties are still there.  You may still be around them a certain family functions or other family members who are unaware of the issues may mention them to you.  The person is still around, but you are just blocked from accessing them.  It's a challenging position because there is always that possibility that the estranged person will change his or her mind and want to reconcile.  You don't want to allow yourself to completely forget her or villify him, because you hold onto that tiny sliver of possibility. You check your email to see if maybe, just maybe, she has sent a message of apology.  You listen to your voicemail messages or the numbers on the missed calls list because there is a chance that he called to make amends.  In an estranged relationship, you just never quite give up hope.

However, is it healthy to walk around with that hope?  Do repeated disappointments damage the psyche more than complete termination of the relationship?  Is it easier to grieve a loss from death, which is permanent and final, than it is to grieve the loss of the bond when its potential still exists?  Do we attempt to move on with life and remove the idea of any potential for reconciliation, convincing ourselves that the person, and not just the relationship, is dead?

We have books telling us how to find relationships, how to improve them, how to solidify them, and in the case of marriage, many books exist describing how to end them.  Where are the guides to coping with an estranged sibling?  Particularly when you have no control over the situation and a family member has completely severed ties, one can feel very powerless.  How do we empower ourselves and take back control?  When the other person cuts ties, they are in control and can determine when to return to your life. What if you don't really want a return of the relationship, but you just want to eliminate the ambiguity of it all?  

Estrangement is really an odd relationship phenomena that I had never really contemplated until now.  In an ironic twist, the relationship with my sister is more intense now that we are estranged than it was previously.  More thought and consideration is given to her now than at an other point in time.  Maybe that's what she really wanted to have happen.